Supporting Ageing Parents: How to Avoid Family Conflict and Protect Relationships

As New Zealand’s population ages and housing costs remain high, more families are finding creative ways to support each other.

For some, that means parents moving into a minor dwelling or granny flat on an adult child’s property. For others, it may involve financial assistance, shared living arrangements, or helping ageing parents remain independent for longer.

While these arrangements are often driven by generosity and a desire to keep families connected, Andrew Clements, Director at Grayson Clements, says they can create unexpected challenges if expectations aren’t discussed and documented early.

The issue isn’t usually a lack of trust.

“The arrangements typically begin with the best of intentions,” says Andrew. “The challenge is that different family members can walk away from the same conversation with very different assumptions about what was agreed.”

When parents contribute to a property

One increasingly common arrangement involves parents contributing funds towards a minor dwelling, extension, or other accommodation on a child’s property.

While this can provide an attractive alternative to retirement living, it can also create uncertainty if the contribution isn’t clearly documented.

“If parents are contributing significant money towards a minor dwelling on a child’s property, the arrangement should ideally be documented in a written agreement that sets out what the contribution represents,” says Andrew.

“Is it a gift, a loan, or something that should later be recognised through the estate? It should also address practical matters such as what happens if the property is sold or circumstances change, and align with the parents’ wider estate planning.”

According to Andrew, documenting these arrangements isn’t about making family relationships feel transactional.

“The goal is creating clarity while everyone is able to have those conversations openly.”

The hidden cost of assumptions

The problems rarely arise while the arrangement is working well.

Instead, they often emerge years later, when circumstances change, care needs increase, or parents pass away.

“I’ve seen situations where one sibling believes Mum and Dad effectively contributed part of the family inheritance to one child’s property, while another family member saw it simply as support from ageing parents,” says Andrew.

Without documentation, families can find themselves trying to interpret years-old conversations and differing recollections of what was intended.

“The financial cost can include delays, legal expenses and disputes over the estate,” he says. “But often the bigger cost is the strain it places on family relationships.”

Equal isn’t always fair

One of the most common challenges arises when families try to balance fairness between siblings.

Parents may have provided financial support to one child, accommodated another, or received significant care and support from a third.

These situations can create very different perceptions about what constitutes a fair outcome.

“Equal and fair are often very different concepts within families,” says Andrew.

“Parents are usually trying to achieve fairness, but if expectations haven’t been discussed, people naturally fill in the gaps themselves.”

He encourages families to have conversations early, explain the reasoning behind their decisions, and ensure their wills and estate planning reflect those intentions.

“Families generally cope better with decisions they understand than decisions they discover after the fact.”

Starting the conversation

While discussing future care, inheritance and financial arrangements can feel uncomfortable, Andrew says avoiding those conversations often creates greater difficulties later.

“The families who navigate these situations best aren’t necessarily the wealthiest,” he says. “They’re the ones who take the time to have the conversations early, document expectations clearly, and make sure everyone understands the plan.”

As intergenerational living and family-supported retirement arrangements become increasingly common, those conversations are becoming more important than ever.

In the media

Andrew Clements recently shared his insights on this topic as part of a NZ Herald article by founder and director of Age Brightly, Hannah McQueen, exploring the challenges facing New Zealand’s “sandwich generation” – those supporting both ageing parents and children at the same time.

You can read the full article here: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/hannah-mcqueen-how-to-support-ageing-parents-without-sacrificing-your-own-retirement/premium/K42KYAXYFNC2LFXXBFFJB75AYE/